Lessons from Roger Fisher, Daniel Shapiro and William Ury.
Our emotions influence us both positively and negatively. They provoke thoughts, physiological changes and push us to act. Emotions often influence our speech, actions, and decisions without us realizing it.
“Don’t make promises when you are happy; don’t argue when you’re angry; do not make decisions when you're sad,” says popular wisdom. We cannot avoid emotions or ignore them. Analyzing each emotion as it arises is difficult and can distract us, taking our focus away from our goal. So what do we do?
William Ury tells us that we need to “go to the balcony." It teaches us to imagine that we are actors in a play, and when we notice a change, in ourselves or in others, we should imagine ourselves in the chamber, watching the play. This gives us the distance we need to decide on how to act. It helps us avoid impulsive reactions and maintain the quality of our decision-making process.
Ury also tells us that behind every emotion there is an unsatisfied need.
Roger Fisher and Daniel Shapiro go a little deeper into this issue. They explain that there are five core concerns, which are universal needs that are almost always present.
These five concerns stimulate positive emotions when fulfilled and negative emotions when neglected. The five core concerns are: appreciation, affiliation, autonomy, status, and role.
We feel appreciated when others recognize and value our feelings, ideas, opinions, and actions. Treating us as members of the group in question, fostering a sense of partnership, working towards a common goal, and establishing a connection with each other fulfills our need for affiliation. When we are given the freedom to make decisions, we respect our autonomy. Whenever our position is defined and appreciated, our status is being respected. Rewarding activities fulfill our need for a satisfying role.
When one or more basic needs are not met, many emotions can arise. Unknowingly, we may experience emotions such as anger, anxiety, embarrassment, and sadness, which can lead us to:
Have a more impulsive reaction and go against our own interests.
Isolate ourselves, and stop seeking help and opinions that may enrich and facilitate our work while overburdening us.
Make us inflexible in our opinions and positions.
Losing confidence in the people we are interacting with.
Meeting these needs stimulates a variety of positive emotions, leading us to become more cooperative, creative, confident, and trustworthy.
We can use the five core concerns described by Shapiro and Fisher in three different ways at three different moments of conflict.
In order to foster positive relationships and reduce the likelihood of conflict, we must consistently nurture the five concerns in others and ensure that we do the same for ourselves.
To identify the root causes of a conflict or its escalation—which of these needs isn't being satisfied?
To assist in resolving or de-escalating a conflict
Let's look at each of the five core concerns in a little more detail.
Appreciation
We all like to feel appreciated. It is comforting to know that others value our thoughts, feelings, and actions.
This requires understanding the other person's perspective. It is not necessary to agree, but rather to understand and seek merit in their ideas, feelings, and actions. Having accomplished these two steps, it is essential to express this appreciation.
Two important issues:
The first is about sincerity: being honest is essential. Lying is not a good alternative and can corrode people's trust in you, ruining the relationship and your reputation.The second one is less obvious. We often need to actively seek to understand the other person's perspective. This understanding is often not intuitive, so this exercise should be part of preparation for difficult conversations and negotiations.
Affiliation
According to the authors, affiliation is “our connection with a person or a group." It is a need that, when met, facilitates collaboration and fosters a sense of proximity with others, thereby breaking down barriers in communication, acceptance of ideas, and overall cooperation.
We trust more in those who belong to our group. We like who belongs to our group the most. We agree and cooperate more with those who belong to our group. We simply discover a common ground with the individual we're interacting with, thereby fostering a feeling of unity.
Of course, it's also important to be honest in this situation. Tone of voice, body language, and many other factors all denounce a lack of sincerity, and that's where trust and reputation come in.
Topics discussed in the warmup before the meeting, frequency of contact, and type of contact—personal or not—also build affiliation. The closer the interaction, the greater the sense of affiliation.
Talk about more personal topics, and steer clear of safer topics like climate and traffic. We don't need to talk about very personal matters, but we can talk about a holiday trip, an experience we've had, or share some personal opinion on a current topic.
Whenever possible, we can exchange the text message for a phone call, the phone call for a video call, and the video call for an in-person meeting.
Autonomy
Many of us have experienced a sense of autonomy being ignored when decisions are made at our discretion. When we learn about a decision we should have participated in, our confidence in the individuals involved and the process itself diminishes. Our willingness to accept ideas from these people and help in the implementation of the agreement or project resulting from that decision also decreases considerably.
The lack of respect for autonomy corrodes the spirit of group cooperation and can lead to the non-implementation of good projects and agreements.
Hearing phrases such as "I wasn't aware of this" and "I was not consulted" is a warning sign of difficulties approaching or an emerging conflict.
If we can make decisions, we should always involve those affected. This does not mean that everyone should take an active part in decision-making. We can simply consult before we decide, giving transparency to the decision-making process.
Of course, on a daily basis, we don't always have time to include everyone. The authors bring a great suggestion: to agree on how much autonomy a person will have in each situation, they call it the "bucket system." In this system, there are three buckets: Inform, Consult, or Negotiate.
Some less important decisions are informative and should be made known to those concerned after they are taken.
Others, more important, go into the bucket to consult and then decide. For this type of decision, interested parties must be consulted beforehand, and their ideas and suggestions must be taken into account for decision-making.
And finally, the big decisions that must be taken together and go to the bottom of the joint agreement.
Respect for autonomy is crucial in building lasting agreements, and we must always strive to respect it.
Status
Status is relative; it indicates our position in comparison to others. We all want to have status because it contributes to our self-esteem and the way others see and treat us.
To help us recognize others' status, the authors distinguish between two types of status: social and specific.
Fame, level of importance in society, and titles are indicators of social status. Our culture tells us who the people of great social status are; no one needs to tell us. That's the social status. We tend to give more attention and importance to what comes from people with high social status.
Our experience, training, or level of knowledge on a particular subject gives us a specific status.
Recognizing the status of others and having our own recognized is important and can help a lot in communication and in building the relationship necessary for the negotiation, agreement, or project to proceed in a positive and efficient way.
Role
The importance of our roles is that we all feel like we're contributing to something bigger. We all want to have a rewarding role in the projects, negotiations, and the construction of agreements in which we are involved.
When we do not have a rewarding role, we can feel frustrated, angry, and resentful. And the opposite happens when you play a role that matters to us with rewarding activities.
It is important to ensure that we and others are performing rewarding roles.
We have no way to escape our emotions or avoid them. There's no way to separate the emotional from the rational; they walk together. But we can use emotions in a positive way to avoid, diagnose, or resolve conflicts.
By Alessandra Corrêa
This post was originally published in Portuguese on the Head Energia blog.
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